My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
what
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!