just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
You Might Also Like
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.