Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit