my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels