What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.