At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
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Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.