[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
#Caturday
I forgot how to panic. Help