7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
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My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
stand with me against insufficient seating