I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.