Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
This was the best day of my life
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.