I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
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Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears