Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
translated into Canadian
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Still a very good boi….