Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.