[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
An odd boast
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.