Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
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HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW