Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
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if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite