MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
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I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Ha
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”