[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
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I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
The photographer’s assistant
I love twitter
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
sounds kinky. i’m in.