[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
The first matador
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.