brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…