I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
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“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.