Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
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dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
LMAO.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
May never get over this
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
why no one uses midhusbands
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave