My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
#winning
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭