See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
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If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush