Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
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Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
79.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long