[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.