My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
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*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise