The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.