This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.