Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
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364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
“our sushi is very fresh”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
it is time once again
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?