Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
One venti cheeseburger please.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂