I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
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My time has come.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect