me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You