4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
You Might Also Like
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.