Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
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My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”