Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
this is the best day of my life
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France