Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Breaking news:
Shower sex be like:
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping