The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Tuesday
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows