Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If you want my opinion ask my wife