The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Stop sending me this shit.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil