A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR