Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I’ve had relationships like this
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.