English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it