Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
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I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp