Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
You Might Also Like
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to