[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Blew out my flip flop…
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.