My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
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“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*