Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
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How do dragons blow out candles?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want