I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
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The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.