I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
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*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Just a phase…
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.